Feel Good Sisterhood

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15.2 Failure

How to not make mistakes mean that WE ARE failures

We can’t talk about belief without talking about failure. Because believing that we’re failures, that we’re going to fail, or that we have failed, all gets in the way of us believing that we’re going to be successful.

There are lots of skills that you will learn in this program. But the ability to believe that you will be successful will create a determination that will be unstoppable. You can totally do this. You just have to believe that you can.


All right, so in this video, I want to talk about failure. We can’t talk about belief without talking about failure. Because what keeps us from believing is our past failures. And what I want to suggest first is that in the workbook of how to use thought work for weight loss. There’s a section in there about how we think about our results is going to create new results.

And so, what I mean by that is, let’s say that we think about whatever it is that we’re doing. We have thoughts about that. Right?

So, when we think about this program, we probably have thoughts about the program and those thoughts could be anywhere from this is amazing, this is working for me. Or I’m not so sure I’m feeling disengaged with the program, or this is confusing, or I’m feeling lost, or I’m not doing the work, or things like that. When we have negative thoughts, we have negative feelings, which then create negative actions and negative results.

Now, every time we have a result, that new result then becomes our new circumstance. Okay? And so, every single time we create a new result, we have the opportunity to change our thinking about that result.

Now, all of our results we know are a product of the way that we’re thinking about things. And so therefore, what I want to suggest is that failure is really looking at a result and deciding that we have failed.

Okay, so what is failure? Somewhat suggests that failure is actually not achieving a goal. But let’s say that I set the goal to lose 20 pounds and I only lost 19. Is that considered a failure? Some of you might say, yes. Some of you might say, no. Failure is completely arbitrary.

So, again, that same situation, I set out to lose 20 pounds, I only lose 15. Is that considered a failure? Maybe more of your suggesting, yes, that’s a failure. But again, failure is really a mindset.

Now, here’s the thing is we really only fail at the things that we don’t try to do. So, there’s a concept called failing ahead of time. And what that means is let’s say that you and I are kids, and we do a race, right? So, we both start out from the starting line, and I see that you’re running faster than me. And so, I just don’t even try. And by default, then you win because you actually ran where I just gave up.

When we give up, we are failing ahead of time. And that’s really the only time that we fail. When we try and we tell ourselves that we’ve failed, what that does, is it blocks any learning. And anything that we’ve done, where we hit an obstacle, or we’ve hit a barrier. I want to suggest that that’s not necessarily failure.

But when we can learn from that opportunity, when we can learn from what it was that we did and why we weren’t successful, that is not a failure. It’s just an opportunity to do better next time because our experiences are going to repeat themselves over, and over, and over again.

And so, when we have judgment on ourselves about, “oh, you failed.” What that’s doing is it the blocking creativity. It’s a blocking the curiosity from, “well, what happened, why wasn’t I successful?”

And so, sometimes we can set out like really aggressive goals, and we might not be successful because the goal was too ambitious for too short of period of time. Which can happen with weight loss. Right?

But if we are consistently doing the behaviors that we know will ultimately lead to this weight loss. If we don’t put a time limit on it, we haven’t failed. We just haven’t gotten there yet. Okay? I used to have a huge problem with failure. And it wasn’t until my coach suggested that we do something called an impossible goal.

And what this impossible goal is, is it’s a big, hairy, audacious goal. Something that, you know, on the look of it, we wouldn’t be able to achieve. But here’s the thing, there’s a Tony Robbins quote that says most of us overestimate what we can do in the short term, in a day, or a week. And we completely underestimate what we can accomplish in a year. And this is so incredible true, that so many of us just pile on to do items onto our to-do list and we lose sight of what our major goal is.

And so, with this impossible goal, what my coach suggested that we do is every single month we set out to fail 25 times. Now, this was like a business thing, but you can also do this as far as weight loss and health goes too. So, what you can do is you can decide, “okay, what’s a really big challenge?” And then, try to do it.

Now, what this does is it allows you to de-stigmatize failure. Because when you put yourself in situations where you expect yourself to fail, and this is not failing ahead of time. This is just trying to do something that is keeping us small. Right? Really making some noise and putting ourselves out there.

And so, when we can decide ahead of time that these are the things that we’re going to actively try to fail at. So, an example of that might be, “huh, I wonder if I can run a mile nonstop.” Okay? It doesn’t have to be big stuff. Or I wonder if I can eat five servings of vegetables tomorrow. Okay?

So, really trying to see like approaching this from a sense of wonder or curiosity like, “huh, I wonder what I’m capable of.” And so, when we put ourselves out there and we fail. What we’ll find is that we’re actually probably a lot closer to getting that goal than we would be if we didn’t even try. Okay.

So, what I want to suggest is that we can take stigma away from failing. So, you do a diet, the diet doesn’t work. We think we fail. But maybe it’s worth looking at, “well, why didn’t the diet work?” Why didn’t this technique work for us? Why didn’t what I set out to do? Why didn’t the plan make sense? Like, how can I tweak it so that it does work.

Again, taking the harshness out of failure, because what that harshness is, is our inner critic. It’s the inner critic on the other side of the result that’s telling us that we’ve failed. And so, what we can do is we can say, “hey, you know what inner critic? I’m not available for that right now.” And what I’m more interested in is how to make this work. Okay.

So, when we can look at our failures, not as failures but really as learning opportunities. Then, what happens is our being able to pick ourselves up after a failure just happens quicker, and quicker, and quicker, and quicker. Because when we’re in this diet mentality, right? If we cave and have ice cream, what do we think is going to happen when we’ve lost the weight and decide to have ice cream? How is that different?

The version of yourself who has ice cream on a whim in the future, isn’t making that a failure. It’s just part of life. And so, I want you to start adopting that today. Okay?

So, I also have another video for you called visualizing success. And I think that actually really goes in tandem with this topic because one of the reasons that I think we fail is because we haven’t given a lot of thought or planning to what the future is going to look like.

Now, we’ve talked about visualization before, we talked about visualization from a very far away standpoint, but what I’m talking about right now are the more immediate goals.

So, like, when this weekend, when I’ve decided that I’m going to maybe go for a run, or a longer workout, or maybe join a gym, or go do an exercise class that I’ve never done before. Maybe you want to do Zumba and you aren’t a big dancer.

And so, like really visualizing yourself in that room of people, and feeling like a total fraud, and feeling awkward, and all of that great stuff. Like, we can visualize that experience ahead of time, understand that it’s going to be uncomfortable, and totally be in for it anyway.

So, failure does not have to mean something bad. And so, anyway, I have this visualized success video for you because I really want you to start thinking about the things that keep us from putting ourselves out there and making progress. All right?

That’s all I have for you in this video. I will see you in that one.

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